This programme contains product placement: Everyone should have a massive night of drinks and poker with the boys in full suits

CC BY 2.0; [Duncan] via Flickr

CC BY 2.0; [Duncan] via Flickr

It’s been three straight weeks of nothing but Made In Chelsea posts as it’s far too early to talk about the college football playoff, far too unnecessary to talk about Johnny Football losing 30-0 in his first NFL start, and far too painful to talk about the bassist from Delain who ruptured his testicle after being hit by the explosion of a streamer canon – that and the temperature of Sam’s bath water is at 2,000 Kelvin.

Alik Alfus needs to open up a mentoring programme for lads and enrol the entirety of Chelsea. The first week would cover etiquette. Remember when he brought Louise to her hairdressers appointment? Week two would be spent teaching guitar. Remember when he wrote Louise that song? Week three to the end of term would be invested in avoiding urges to cheat. Remember when he was accused of cheating on Louise but didn’t?

It would be a real letdown if later in Season 8 it was revealed he actually had cheated on her because he’s perfect.

At the moment, Alik is the Tom Brady of Chelsea, a true gentleman of the sport with a sailor’s mouth.

And Ms Lauren Hutton is the greatest girl in the world but by the looks of it Spencer is about to do something Spencer-like. She’s absolutely flawless – so clever and the Queen of Comebacks, just ask Stephanie Pratt. Although her confidence’ll undoubtedly backfire (it is Chelsea of course) and Stephanie will have the last laugh, just you watch.

Lastly, the individuals in MIC are concerned with looks. They are all well groomed and prepared for any smart dinner party. The boys have Ken’s closet, whilst the ladies own all forms of designer and one-off pieces. Here is a growing concern relatable to the commoner: through everyday observation, the American flag on the right shoulder of clothing in the United Kingdom is flying the wrong way. It should always be flying into the wind. Just an FYI.

Moment(s) of the episode: 1) The brother-sister talk between Sam and Louise. Louise was genuinely concerned for her brother’s recent mistakes. It was touching.

2) [Something like]:
Spencer: No one at this table is going to cheat on anyone… except maybe me with the barmaid downstairs. She’s fit.
Lauren: Hi-five!


This programme contains product placement: Hats. Everywhere.

CC BY-SA 2.0; D Johnston via

CC BY-SA 2.0; D Johnston via

Spencer returned with a new lady after an extended absence from Made In Chelsea and his exes wasted no time in putting her through her paces.

Binky spent the entire episode still at odds with Fran, which came to a head at their front door when the two left with their dispute unresolved—Alex made it worse. What exactly are they arguing about again? Oh, yes, the fact that Fran dragged Binky into the ordeal with Sam. It’s petty. The lack of ownership is baffling and the word choice is horrific.

Not going to touch Tiff and Sam’s situation any further. That poor girl…

Josh Shepherd’s relationship is a freight train speeding down a mountain and he’s tossing around the “L” word, but by the looks of it, Stephanie is far more interested in snooping into Spencer’s new interest.

New girl Lauren Hutton isn’t interested in any attack on Spencer’s past. She’s allowing Spencer to control whether the pair succeeds or fails – it’s noble, but let’s be honest, it’s going to buckle for the benefit of the show.  It is nice to see someone with some sense though.

Alik Alfus continues to demonstrate why he’s the most normal individual on the show. The boy had to return to America to sort out his visa, so normal.

What was up with all that hats? Everyone was wearing some fancy hat?

Moment of the episode: Jamie and Andy’s quick discussion in the pub because who knew that wearing a jumper whilst out signified that one might be leaving? Learn something new everyday…

This programme contains product placement: Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me

CC BY-SA 2.0; Amanda Slater via Flickr

CC BY-SA 2.0; Amanda Slater via Flickr

Living the dream must mean being able to book a chateau in France on a whim for all your mates – it’s subjective though, really. 

Josh Shepherd is a man of wisdom. Stephanie Pratt is a woman of wisdom. 

The Sam and Tiff situation was the focal point of the episode, and too right it should be. Sam has continually swayed between nice guy and out-to-look-like-a-pimp so far this season and he’s made critical errors in his quest to land a Watson as a partner.

Please, don’t mess it up for the rest of us, lad.

With a fortune likely available at his disposal, he could have nipped down to the local HMV and bought the Made In Chelsea box set (season 4 onward) to see what he is up against, pursuing a Watson. It is a struggle – personal experience; jokes.

Tiff is young, yes, but to this point, Lucy has filled her sister’s head with her bad experiences, which is robbing Tiff the chance to make mistakes. Stephanie’s advice allowed her to see that a bit at least.

What Sam should be doing is fetching insight from Alik Alfus, who has been a gentleman to Louise. He walked her to the hairdresser’s for heaven’s sake!

On the subject, a minor continuation blip was Alik and Andy’s friendship. Alik is the most rational individual on the show, but no one else seems to understand. ‘Murica.

Moment of the episode: Fran Newman-Young.

This programme contains product placement: “We have drawn a line under that”… yet the uncertainty of crossing that line is filled with hesitation

CC BY-SA 2.0; N Chadwick via

CC BY-SA 2.0; N Chadwick via

If anything is to ever be learnt from Made In Chelsea – from Stevie especially – it’s that trying to protect one’s assets or interests, material/monetary and living, will more than likely see said individual end up in the doghouse looking foolish.

Alik Alfus is a smooth talker who knows how to make a lady blush: “Of all the parents that I’ve ever met, you [Louise’s mum] are without question my favourite.”

The boy was scooping ice cream by the tonne at the Oyster Bar, but Andy still likes to stir the sand and it is a great Made In Chelsea scenario: the ex and the current quickly becoming best mates, and Louise disapproves. Perfect.

But it is inevitable that Alik will have to make a choice, as every bit of advice that Andy feeds him isn’t fully without malice. Surely, he’s too enthralled by the essence of Louise to make the wrong choice, the “un-Chelsea” choice.

*Insert Toff face*

Josh has gotten on well with Stephanie and that development has left Stevie in pieces. Like said, it reveals his character in full: the envy, the discomfort, the brash, and the vulnerability. He is papier-mâché. He opens his mouth and words, not the right ones, come out. At the moment, breh, Josh has the last laugh.

Not even going to go anywhere near Tiff and Sam. Just going to let that play out because Sam is in hot water.

And that Illamasqua product placement is heavy as…

Moment of the episode: Victoria Baker-Harber’s little comment to George and Mark Francis after watching the silk girls.

This programme contains product placement: Does anyone else find it difficult to not stare at everyone’s eyebrows on Made In Chelsea?

CC BY-SA 2.0; Robin Stones via

CC BY-SA 2.0; Robin Sones via

Alik Alfus made it clear he was both livid and destroyed by news that his beloved couldn’t recall if she had cheated on him or not.

Don’t blame him. But that situation couldn’t have gotten any Chelsea-er. As lame as it may sound, the filming crew does so well capturing his character, that sensitivity and desire to pursue any avenue to make his relationship work with Louise. That’s commendable, yet it’s agreeable that he’s a bit of a mug as Andy says. Keep in mind all he gave up to move to England. Their ordeal has clearly not resolved and it’s merely been moved to the back burner for the sake of both their sanity.

On a happier/sour note, gents… buy a dog. Chivalry may be dead, but using a dog to get a date, and a second one, is still barking. Again, as lame as it sounds, Josh Shepherd’s intense eyes sapped all the confidence right out of close friend Stevie at the dinner party. Whilst it revealed how unsettled Stevie is by the constant threat that Stephanie might walk out of his life, it is a reminder that his swagger is artificial. In the grand scheme of things, it’d be good for his well being to let her go, but the programme isn’t predicated on common sense.

Toff has quickly become the show’s premier antagonist. She’s nosey, patronising, likes to meddle, and plain annoying, and it’s perfect. She’s so worried about her perception within the group that she’s willing to stoke the flames of another’s drama to find out. Judging by the previews of next week, poor Sam reminds us why the Watson’s are a smartly guarded pair.

Lastly, Mark Francis would play a posh Lucius Malfoy in a posh Harry Potter spin-off.

 Moment of the episode: A tie between Francis’, “If my eyes could have biceps…” line and Alik’s, “Way to bring this guy…” Had to leave it to the American to get the snarky remark in against Binky — go on lad.

This programme contains product placement: further disturbance in Chelsea air

CC by 2.0 jo.sau via Flickr

CC by 2.0; jo.sau via Flickr

Chelsea’s finest were at it again in Episode 5 of E4’s Made In Chelsea and poor Alik Alfus still can’t catch a break in his new surroundings.

Just when the American thought his relationship with Louise was back on track he was devastated by grim news that his Missus may have cheated on him whilst in a drunken stupor. Lucy Watson acquired this rumoured information through text, no less. Stay tuned.

One might be able to afford a lovely house in the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea with the amount of times a male has attempted to use a cute dog to woo a pretty lady. But it might just work for newcomer Josh Shepherd with Stephanie Pratt — is it not weird to anyone else that Spencer likes to set up his friends with his ex-girlfriends?

Georgia Toffolo, Toff, remerges in the episode and her dramatic return from Blundell’s doesn’t bode well for the future, if any, for Sam Thompson and Tiffany Watson judging by the previews of next week’s instalment.

Unfortunately, the drama for our structured-reality starts didn’t stop there. Binky’s ex, Alex Mytton, delivered a letter through her letterbox. We are only given a snippet of what it contains before he interrupted its reading.

Moment of the episode: Tiffany Watson’s mini golf kiss swerve. Sam lunged at the younger Watson sister on orders of Jamie Laing and co. All the biscuits he is heir to must’ve gone to his head with that advice. Laing should’ve known Tiffany was equally as guarded as sister Lucy.