FANTASY FOOTBALL: It seemed necessary to use a hashtag in my team name because it’s 2014

CC BY-NC-ND 2.0; Jim Culp via Flickr

CC BY-NC-ND 2.0; Jim Culp via Flickr


At 4-4, I thought I was destined for Dallas Cowboys mediocrity ; but I was the 2014/15 Patriots ; #LindseyDukesNewBF had been putting up gigantic numbers, but was losing to teams putting up galactic numbers ; I was a bold drafter, grabbing four rookies – two of which I would drop and one would come back to haunt me.

Fantasy football is a realm of hyperbole, subjective fantasy numbers, and a passers-byer’s arrogance – it is currently a realm my team sits atop like the greats should.

To clear up any confusion: I am not Lindsey Dukes new boyfriend because I would eventually overlook her, completely blinded by my everlasting infatuation for the recently engaged Kim Sears. I drafted my team with the same heart in mind. The likes of Knowshon Moreno for his passionate love of the game and Julian Edelman sat at the top of my draft board – just after the UCLA and Oregon cheerleaders, Shailene Woodley, and Wall-E. I drafted Andrew Luck because he uses words like “vociferous”, “paucity”, and “chutzpah”.

Since Week 1, I’ve made 19 changes, which is sixth most in “Why you So Madden, bro?” … and throughout the process I have built an elite receiving core. I drafted Odell Beckham Jr because he was a beast at LSU and was the winner of the Paul Hornung Award in 2014. I stashed Josh Gordon in Week 3 when he became a car salesman ; I trusted his sell-ability and he’s different level. The rest, more rookies: Kelvin Benjamin, Martavis Bryant.

What I’ve learnt is, is fantasy football will consume your life in an oddity of ways: the games watched, the amount of times the free agents list gets checked – I even won an medal for going onto the Yahoo Fantasy Football page 10 days in a row.

The Buffalo defence has saved my butt two weeks in a row. I repeat, the Buffalo defence. Trends: #LindseyDukesNewBF has three Kansas City Chiefs players on it. How? Two of my players played in the SEC and three in ACC. Only one hails from THE Ohio State University. Two went to Stanford.

My advice is to not get involved in fantasy sports. It’s social suicide and it will make you emotional.

My arrogance level is bordering on z8_GND_5296. I read the matchup recaps and chuckle at things like: “Did Jacks Sack in Zach pay admission to see the greatest show on turf? #LindseyDukesNewBF” and “The manager of #LindseyDukesNewBF was probably the person who destroyed the curve on every test in school”. My test scores in school were predictable… excellent. I single-handedly reinvented biology. I dominated concert band.

I am 8-4 at Thanksgiving ; top of the league and having a laugh – picked up the t-shirt on the way out.

… with plenty of weeks left to become the Dallas Cowboys.

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