MUSIC: The five types of individuals you will likely encounter at a metal gig, although there are more

CC BY-ND 2.0; BenThereDoneThath via Flickr.

CC BY-ND 2.0; BenThereDoneThath via Flickr.

They find you before you find them. They leave you with more than material memories: threads or an autograph. They go hard so you don’t to have to. They are five types of individuals, not limited, you will likely encounter at a gig.

1) The guys with the backpacks: A gig seems a definite place where one would accomplish very little revision, if any at all. Maybe this collective subspecies are just Einstein studious individuals who hurried to the venue after a hefty day at high school, college, or university and didn’t have time to drop off the books at home. With these dudes about there’s always the potential to get hit by a copy of The Science of Interstellar or Pride and Prejudice. Or maybe they are poetic spirits and tote about volumes of Keats and Plath. It could be a workout and they stack their bags with bricks. Regardless, keep your distance.

2) The girl who looks like she’s mocking the moshers: She only goes into the pit when the danger level is at minus-flower and spring blossom. She proceeds to unleash an arsenal of moves that look like they were learnt from an episode of Sesame Street, giggling uncontrollably. No one has “the huevos” to casually maneuverer into her path out of fear that her 6-6, 280 lbs. father is hidden somewhere in the background, but we are all thinking how ridiculous she looks…

3) The couple that grinds during the set and eats face between it: The Acacia Strain couple springs to mind. It doesn’t matter who sees this duos X-rated moves because they are going to attempt to procreate right there for all to see. Although, kudos for the bold move and progressive mind-set… introducing a style expected at the local sweaty and grim American high school dance into the metal scene.

CC BY-NC-SA 2.0; Sebastien Camelot via Flickr

CC BY-NC-SA 2.0; Sebastien Camelot via Flickr


4) The out of place looking individual: Jamie T might be next door and it looks like they should be there instead: deep-v tee, silver link chain, fake tan, and flame tattoos. Is he distant cousins with Pauly D? Their presence is actually refreshing in comparison to this list, so welcome to the club, Pauly D look-a-like. It’s nice to see an individual put some thought into their gig attire before leaving the house.

5) The guy who crowd surfs or stage dives at gigs where the median age is trimester two: Lately, 14-plusers, or turn of the century babies, have dominated crowds with their Pulp tees, skinny jeans, and vans. Not trying to hate, but Little Sally with her blue hair and pencil arms isn’t going to support your frame. And she, nor her Mickey Mouse Club mates are most likely not going to try, so enjoy falling face first into the ground. There is also a chance of busting your coccyx into a thousand pieces (see 5b).

5b) NEW: The guy who tries to take a selfie with the band whilst crowd surfing: This has danger written all over it. It also has hilarious written all over it. The individual participating throws all awareness and caution to the wind, and, let’s be honest: the big guy in the sky wants to see a tremendous fail like the rest of us. Also, Little Sally with the blue hair and pencil arms is far too wrapped up in taking her own selfies and blurry iPhone photos to notice you until you crush her poor body. Hope you bought insurance for that phone.

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